There are a lot of things and people that like to pull our attention. There is a constant stream of requests. These aren’t all bad. My 6 month old daughter requests breast milk from me every three hours. My husband requests encouragement. Requisitions are okay. However, you may not be able to meet them all.
In order to move towards wholeness, it is important to have boundaries. Boundaries do not make you an uncaring person. They do not make you selfish. They help to make you whole.
Is this mine to do?
There is a very important question you need to ask yourself regularly. That question is “is this mine to do?”
Maybe your neighbor asks you to take care of their pets while they are away for two weeks. Is there anything wrong with this request? Absolutely not! But, is this yours to do? Will this cause too big of a disruption in your life right now? Is this a sacrifice that you can make at the stage of life you are in? While you may feel like a selfish or uncaring person if you feel like you should say no, that isn’t the case. Sometimes that is just a healthy boundary to take care of yourself.
When you give, serve, and sacrifice consistently, that does not make you a better person. That turns you into an empty person. Love is what makes you a good person. Not the things you do.
Say your mother wants to come visit for a week. Great! You love your mother! But, if this week already has other things requesting all that you have to give, then it is not healthy to agree to a visit from your mother. This is not yours to do. That does not mean that you don’t love her. That means that you are taking care of yourself first. A mother who respects boundaries will be ok with this.
What if your boundaries are not respected?
So what do you do when the ones you say no to do not understand and respect healthy boundaries? This is very difficult. Because a lot of the time you love these people. You have a relationship with them. Some you have known all of your life. But, the truth is, if they don’t respect your boundaries, then they are not loving you appropriately.
Those who truly care about you will want you to take care of yourself. They will not want to take more from you than you feel that you have to offer. While they are allowed to be disappointed, they should also applaud your ability to take care of yourself. That’s love.
Love is not guilting you over your “no”.
Love is not offering up more plans to try to make something work.
Love is not telling you that you’re wrong or being selfish.
Love is not doing what they want to do anyway.
You are not responsible for their feelings. You are only responsible for your feelings. Set the boundaries that you feel are right for you. If they are not respected, that is not your fault.
How to start saying no
Saying no may take you some time and practice. For a lot of people, this does not come easy. The guilt and shame that is attached to it can send you down into that pit of negativity. That pit where every bad thing you think of yourself lives. Start by taking it one step at a time.
Say no to yourself.
Say no to one unrealistic expectation you have on yourself. Maybe you don’t need to do the laundry for one day. Or maybe cooking dinner is going to be too much work this evening. Write down a list of the expectations you have for yourself. Then, say no to one that is too much. That is you respecting your own boundaries. This is important to do first. Before looking to others to respect your boundaries, you have to do it first.
Say no to a stranger or distant friend
This is a good step, because these people do not hold a huge piece of your heart. It will be easier to say no to a stranger or distant friend than, say, a spouse. If someone asks for that ponytail holder on your wrist, but you may need it later, you can say no. Maybe someone is asking to be picked up from the airport, but that time doesn’t work well for you. Say no. That’s ok. That’s healthy. You’re not selfish. That is a boundary.
Say no to someone close to you
Your last step will be learning to say no to those that are closest to you. This can be very difficult. These are the people you care about the most. Letting them down can really hurt.
What I would do first, is have a conversation. Explain to them ahead of time that you are working on setting up boundaries for yourself. You are learning how to say no to the things you shouldn’t do. (Notice I didn’t say CAN’T do. I said SHOULDN’T do.)
Then, when they make a request that is too much for you, you can remind them that you have to say no in order to respect those boundaries you are learning to develop. Remember, those who love you will respect your boundaries. If they continue to push the issue or make you feel guilty, they are not respecting you. So walk away. You may not be able to convince them that this is right or healthy. Hold on to the truth: boundaries are important.
You are learning
While learning to set boundaries, you may make a few mistakes here and there. Maybe you will reject things that you actually could have done. Maybe you will cross into selfishness a little bit. It may take some time to figure out when those boundary lines need to go. That’s ok.
Learning isn’t doing it right the first time. Learning means trying and steadily improving. Learning to play basketball means to keep shooting until you learn the technique to get it into the basket. If you haven’t been using boundaries appropriately, then you will probably get it wrong here or there in the beginning. There’s grace for that. The important thing is that you’re TRYING. Take a breath, apologize when needed, and keep moving forward.
Conclusion
Saying “no” does not make you a selfish or evil person. It contributes to making you a whole person. Boundaries are important. Look inward and consider the boundaries you have placed in your life. In order to not become empty, bitter, or used, you must set up appropriate and healthy boundaries. You must learn how to say no. This is important for you and for your relationships with others.
What are some of the hardest things for you to say no to?