A Blog of Vulnerability

Posted on by Destrea Lunell

When I buy clothes I ask myself “Could I wear this to a funeral?” This is not a normal question (at least I don’t think it is). Even so, that is now a question for me. In the past 6 semesters of school I have have 5 people in my family die. It has happened too often. Some deaths were expected, while others no one could have predicted. Regardless of how or when, they all hurt. My family is sadly facing death again.

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I am hurting

This is exactly what the title states: a blog of vulnerability. My family is hurting. I am hurting. So many times I feel like I am suppose to be strong. Crying is not allowed. Sometimes I feel like I am not allowed to be sad. As if I do not deserve to be. Regret usually follows a death. I should have spent more time with them. I should have made different life choices. I should have asked for the baked potato soup recipe. My mind goes through Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s theory of the Five Stages of Grief. I try to figure out which stage I am in. So many things go through my head to try and stop the pain and distract the hurt. Try as I might, none of that works.

This is one of those moments in life where all I can do is be sad. I can’t fix or control the situation. Rewinding the clock and going back in time is not an option. There is nothing anyone can do. There is nothing anyone can say. The hurt is here and sticking around until it is ready to go.

“Only God could stop this tragedy in its tracks

Yet only God could let it continue happening.”

I wrote this line back in 10th grade. It does not seem to mean much to many, but it means a great deal to me. I wrote it out of anger. Couldn’t God can stop bad things from happening? If He has control, why wouldn’t He stop my hurt? That’s not what the line means to me anymore. I trust God. He has me. God does not want me to cry these sad tears. He loves me. He will take care of me. This is truth.

That does not stop the pain, but it gives me some hope. I believe God is sad that I am sad. I also believe that He will help put me back together. Sometimes the miraculous healing is that I am going to be okay. My friends have been very comforting. My family has been understanding. My God has been everything.